Charlotte Croft’s journey with Functional Neurological Disorder (FND) has been one of immense challenge and personal growth. Diagnosed in May 2024, she initially focused on the physical implications of her condition, uncertain about how it would affect her daily life. However, as time passed, she realised the profound impact it had on her mental health. Struggling with frustration, anger, and self-doubt, Charlotte found solace through Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT).
In this personal story, Charlotte candidly shares her emotional battles, the stigma of vulnerability, and the transformative power of CBT, which helped her accept that it is truly okay not to be okay.
When I received my diagnosis back in May last year, I was so focused on my physical health, wondering most days if I would ever be able to independently get dressed and go to the shops again. However, little did I realise just how much my mental health had also been affected by the diagnosis.
Now, eight months on with the help of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), I have been able to process things much better, and realise that sometimes, it is okay not to be okay!
We all hear that phrase so much don’t we, ‘It’s okay not to be okay’, but I genuinely wonder how many of us truly believe that. I for one did not.
Before my health battle, I was very much a ‘fake a smile’ kind of girl, who very rarely showed emotion to the outside world. Inside, sure I would cry, scream and battle all the emotions one goes through, but only ever inside my head or the comfort of my own home. And for a long time, this was true even after my diagnosis.
I think initially, I was in such a state of shock, and somewhat in denial about the huge impact this had and would have on my life, that I really had no time to be upset, angry, sad or really feel any emotion. Everything happened so quickly for me, and my first worry and focus was always thinking about the implications this would have on my life in terms of work and relationships, so much so it was often noticed by my loved ones that I really had not processed how this would affect me, especially mentally.
Inevitably, the anger, sadness and pain hit me eventually. I remember balling my eyes out on the sofa because of a sad song I had heard, which finally opened the floodgates, and all my emotions spilt out at once. However, even after that good cry and acceptance of my emotions, I still felt I needed to paint on a smile in public.
I remember dreading seeing people and leaving the house because all I’d hear was “How are you?” with genuine concern in their eyes, but even then, I just smiled and often said, “Yeah fine, it is what it is”. That was my favourite phase for several months, a deterrent to my real feelings.
How I really felt
Of course, what I really wanted to do was to scream. I think the main feeling I had and still have is severe frustration and Anger. How can go from a perfectly healthy 26-year-old to this overnight? I just want answers. I want to knock on every doctor’s door and ask, “Why me?”. Of course, I don’t wish anybody else ill health, nevertheless, I just feel so much frustration bubbling up inside me and then panic and worry about what my life may look like now and in the future.
I also felt real embarrassment. I am not someone who ever asks for help, even if I am drowning in work, I will always carry my own load, but now I have no choice. I needed help walking to the toilet, showering, getting dressed, all the things you take for granted as a functioning adult. I felt humiliated and weak, ashamed of myself and the situation.
Sitting in a wheelchair was perhaps the most frightening, eye-opening situation I faced. I felt so small compared to the world. So invalid, so embarrassed and ashamed, so much so that I often avoided it, walking with aids where I could or simply didn’t leave the house at all in case people stared or asked me questions – I just could not face it.
And when I thought more and more about how I really felt, I fell into a deep hole of sadness, depression and bursts of anger would seep out of me at the wrong person or the wrong time. It was taking over me.
How CBT allowed me to open up
It took quite a few months until I finally caved and reached out for support. It was actually a kind, young doctor who finally asked the question, “How are you really feeling?” and continued to show concern for my mental health. It was there I admitted that I was really struggling, and she suggested a referral to Suffolk Wellbeing. I finally realised that I needed help and that by seeking it, I wasn’t weak at all!
Within the first session, my eyes were opened to just how bad my mental health had got.
Nevertheless, right from my very first CBT session, I felt a weight lifted. My therapist was such a warming presence, I immediately opened up. It was so unlike me, such an unnatural response to my usual closed persona, but I just felt really supported and listened to.
The therapist allowed me to talk freely about my emotions. He never pushed me asking questions I did not want to answer, he never once told me that I was wrong to feel these things.
Instead, he taught me how to deal with these, step by step. How to help myself feel better and accept, deal with and move on.
What I learnt from my CBT sessions
My CBT sessions have really helped. They have saved me from a dark hole, and taught me this really life-changing lesson – It really was okay not to be okay.
My feelings of sadness, anger, all those emotions I had felt were valid, allowed. Of course, I had every right to feel these things because I’ve been through such a traumatic, life-changing experience and these feelings are nothing other than a reflection of that.
It is okay not to be okay…
I think that’s something every adult seems to forget, to validate feelings. We often try to brush over so much, especially those negative feelings we think people don’t want to see. We teach children not to show anger or frustration, but why? These are valid feelings; it is okay to be upset by something that has happened.
However, it’s how we deal with them that we need help with. How to navigate these feelings so that they are directed at the right thing or person, and how we must accept and deal with these feelings so that we can move on, and they cannot bombard our minds and overtake our mental health and wellbeing.
I really would recommend anyone who is suffering from poor mental health to reach out and ask for help. I would not have got through this year if it wasn’t for the support of my therapist and the CBT sessions I have received. It has taught me so much about thoughts and feelings and how to deal with them correctly. And remember, it is okay not to be okay!
Have you been newly diagnosed with a disability or long-term health condition and could relate to Charlotte’s experiences of facing mental challenges? Let us know in the comments box, on social media or contact us to share your personal story.